Lessons for life from beyond the grave

I’m reaching that age where friends and family are getting sick and dying. Illness can come upon us very suddenly, unbidden and with no forewarning. The words spoken at the ever-increasing number of memorial services I am attending are food for thought, and all this is a chilling reminder that none of us is immortal, and our day will come.

My mother used to say to me, aged 81, “I feel so young inside”.  This is a common feeling among us all as we get older.  The body fades but the spirit doesn’t have to.

“It’s just a number,” people say as another birthday is celebrated.  To some extent that is true, yet it is a number that is taking us each day closer to our ending. And that is a salutary thought. For it brings home to us the question of how we are going to spend these next years on this earth, and it also draws us into reflecting on how we have lived the previous years. What we can be proud of, what we regret, what we choose not to repeat.

None of us is perfect and my Mum requested that we not paint her as such when it came to the eulogy at her own funeral. “I’ve listened to too many descriptions of ‘angels’ who were far from it!” she told me.  And so we did indeed mention a few of her ‘quirks’ at her funeral because they were a part of her and we loved her as she was, for her humanity, not in some imagined perfection.

So I am going to share the lessons I have learnt from life and the poignant words I have heard at memorials I have attended over recent years:

1. Stop, reflect and think about the legacy you wish to leave behind. Life is busy when we’re young and yet taking a moment, and sometimes that is all it takes, to consider the actions and behaviours that will leave a legacy of how you wish to be remembered by family and friends can help you live life today.  Training workshops occasionally used to ask participants to write down the words they would like people to say at their funeral, but this can push the question too far into the distance really, especially when you are young.  Perhaps better to imagine what you would like people – partners, children, parents, colleagues, clients, friends (for you are tad different with each person with whom you interact) – to say about you at your birthday next year?  And then, if you would like them to use those words, stop and identify what actions it requires that you take in order to inspire such comments.
2. Show your love. “All we are is how we make people feel,” was a phrase I took away from a recent memorial and it became clear that this person had been very generous with his love, both to family and to friends.  A recent research study showed that it is often the small things we do for others that demonstrates our love – it doesn’t have to be big gestures, or flowers, or holidays in exotic places. It can be as simple as making cup of tea, rubbing an aching back, phoning to have a chat, giving a hug, offering a G&T! The love shown in small things. Letting go of bitterness and resentment for what has gone before also clears the energy we bring into a room. How much happier we can be if we learn the lesson and then focus on more positive and constructive things rather than dwelling on the past. How much happier it is to be around someone who brings a loving energy into a room.
3. Enjoy each day, each moment. This can be a decision we make.  It doesn’t mean to say we can’t acknowledge that we feel sad or angry or tired but we can allow ourselves to try to find things to enjoy each day despite that.  Reading about anyone who has had a serious illness, accident or traumatic event in their life, there is a repeated sense that this enables them to look for and enjoy what life has to bring and see each day as a blessing.
4. Realize that family life is precious but complex and goes through many iterations. I remember imagining that once one hit adulthood one had life sussed, that one could put away study and didn’t have anything more to learn.  How stupid and naïve I was! Here I am still learning, still growing, still making endless mistakes and learning more.  Family life is always changing. Each person within it is going through endless stages of development and transition and each person is an individual who often needs a different approach to others. As one stage gives way to the next every member of the family is having to reconsider who they are, what they care about, what they choose to give attention to, how they need to behave in order to reflect their values. All parents make mistakes but if our children feel loved, and that we are there for them, then hopefully they will forgive us our humanity and fallibility.  As my 9-year-old grandson said to me recently “Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to recognise and acknowledge them.”  From the mouths of babes …
5. Give your best at work. Many of us have some of our best moments at work, a sense of purpose, fulfilment, teamwork. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming but the concept of “quiet quitting” is anathema to me.  We owe it to ourselves and those with and for whom we work to give it our best, whatever we do.  We gain so much more if we do, and learn so much more in the process.
6. Keep your passions and interests going. Life keeps moving on. I remember the holiday when my teenage sons came back from school. I had put the summer aside to be with them but they were off with their friends. It happens again when they finally leave home, the empty nest, then when they marry or find a partner.  One makes a brief come-back in their lives if and when children arrive but once again when those children become teenage one is forced back onto one’s own path. It’s totally healthy and natural and yet can be challenging. So I have learnt that it is essential to keep one’s own career or interests, voluntary or paid, going so as not to feel too bereft when those stages occur for I think there were many of my mother’s generation, especially women who did not work, who had breakdowns when the children left home, for what was life all about after that. It doesn’t have to be like that now.
7. Be generous of spirit, open to opportunity and to all the blessings life brings us. Old age can be quite a lonely time as one’s children are busy, just as we were at their age.  We are so fortunate these days to have endless clubs, courses and classes open to us, as well as continuing to work or offering ourselves up for volunteering should we choose. The brain enjoys challenge and if we allow ourselves to get into too much of a rut of routine it will stagnate, so finding new things to interest us or maintaining those interests we enjoy, be it writing, painting, hiking, yoga or whatever, keeps us young.  I remember my mother, aged 82, telling me “I’m just driving the old people down to the Autumn Club today, darling.”  She didn’t include herself in that term ‘old people’ despite her age.

The words I have heard spoken at memorials are good reminders of how to live and shape a good life for ourselves. They shed a light on life itself and on how love, courage, appreciation of beauty, family, creativity and work help us to live our lives day to day and find meaning. Such words are inspired by actions of love and friendship and so one takes away from these occasions more than the memory of the person lost. One takes away an invitation to remember how sacred life is, day by ordinary day, and how there is beauty to be seen whenever we look for it.