Every day on the tube, in cafés and shops, I bump into young girls and women with false eyelashes, pumped up cheeks and pouty lips. They are buying creams and moisturisers at an age at which I wasn’t giving any thought to my appearance or skincare. I was just enjoying my childhood. I read that huge amounts of money are being spent now on tweaking and Botox and filling and I feel sad that so much attention is being paid to the outer appearance when what really matters is what lies within, what is in a person’s heart and mind. What used to be referred to as character.
We all care what we look like as we move from our teens to adulthood. Consciously or unconsciously, we are trying to demonstrate something about ourselves, what our little tribe of friends enjoys and stands for. What we wear defines us to some extent and can give us a sense of belonging. The fact that, growing up in the 1950s and 60s, we wore too much make-up or mascara and wore skirts shorter than our parents approved of was a passing trend and did not impact our physical body in any long-lasting way. We could wipe off the mascara, buy new clothes. But when young girls and women today are using physical interventions such as Botox this potentially has a much more lasting impact, as does the trend for tattoos, which I have personally never been able to understand. Facelifts often require further work later in life. How will all this look as they age? And what is it that is making young women so unaccepting of who they are? To me, as I observe all this, their skin is so fresh and beautiful I just wish they could relax and appreciate it!
Which reminds me of a time years ago when I was on the beach with one of my son’s girl friends and she was fretting about her beautiful young body not being good enough. It reminded me of the fact that I had also constantly felt discontent with my appearance and I pointed out to her that she might as well appreciate what she had today, with all its (in my mind non-existent) blemishes, because tomorrow it would be older and then she would have more wear-and-tear, children, perhaps, and might lose that blossom that young girls can have. Value what you have now, was my message, and I remind myself of this frequently now I am 75, to appreciate every functioning aspect of this miracle that is our body, for whatever is working today may well not do so tomorrow!
Fashions change and it is fun to keep up, albeit quite challenging. Hair in the 50s was wavy, in the 60s was Vidal Sassoon’s flat as a pancake style. This was hopeless for those of us with natural curls when there were no blow driers. I tried sellotaping or ironing out the curls, sadly without much success! However, hair grows back and so if we have an awful cut one day we can relax that in a month or so we will return to normal. We did have a short phase of wearing false eyelashes when I was about 18 but they were not of a good design and would get left on the shoulders of a boyfriend if we were dancing too close. Not a good look to have one set of eyelashes long and one set short! The eyelashes that are in fashion now are patently not trying to look natural, but these can be removed and will not necessarily have any lasting impact.
There was a rebellion against make-up in the 1980s and 90s when feminists argued that we should not need to wear make up at all, should not need to shave or make an effort, for all that mattered was who we were within. Well, yes, that argument is a strong one and I go along with it as, ultimately, relationships are about who we are as people rather than what we look like. You can be beautiful but mean, handsome but selfish. How we are and how we respond and treat others is the key. And yet our appearance does matter even if just because we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and want to feel confident enough to face the world.
For some decades I thought that we had achieved being taken for our skills, personal qualities and talents and not our looks when it came to our careers or relationships. But all of a sudden, we seem to have gone backwards – to young girls fixating on their skin, the focus being on outward appearance rather than inner beauty, knowledge or wisdom. I’m not sure what is driving this, other than some influencers who are presumably being paid large amounts of money to promote certain products. Who is it for? I have made the mistake of trying to adapt to one partner who said I needed to lose weight followed by another who found me too thin for his taste. I learnt that you can’t please everyone, so it helps to accept what we have been given in life, and yes make the most of it but not obsess about how we look. Yet this trend is influencing boys and men too, as they pump up their muscles at the gym and I presume that this is also being driven by influencers and celebrity role models.
Where are the role models who promote the fact that you gain confidence by valuing who you are not just what you look like? The work to be done is, in my humble experience, usually on the inside. Reflecting on values, beliefs, behaviours, setting goals about who you are and what you want to become, and understanding that this process does not stop aged 18, when you think you have become ‘adult’, but in fact is a lifelong journey of inner reflection on who you want to be in the ever-changing world in which you live.
I still wish my hair was straighter, that perhaps I was a little lighter but it’s what happens on the inside that shapes the experience of my day. Am I happy with the knowledge I have, with the skills I have developed? Is there something else I could learn or an aspect of my mind or personality I could develop further? Am I being the person I want to be, speaking up for the things I care about, treating people with respect, giving time to those I love?
Too many of the Gen Z influencers that I have come across are promoting all the problems of our time whilst others are promoting beauty products. Can I please put in a plea for someone to help young people to spend more time developing inner wisdom (what they are learning about life), academic knowledge, work skills and personal confidence and less on sticking on false eyelashes or pumping up huge biceps?
3 responses
Another great article Helen and beautifully written thank you for doing that. I am concerned that so many so-called “influencers ” are having such an effect on millions of people. It would be great if more of them concentrated on the deeper issues of life rather than the superficials. I remember as a child being brought up as a Roman Catholic that we looked to the saints for example of how to live our lives. We certainly didn’t have other influencers apart from the example of our parents and elders which was very important. With the commercialisation of all these things it seems unlikely that things will go back to where they were.
A thoughtful reflection — and one that touches on a deeper issue: the rise of narcissism in modern culture.
We are living through an age that rewards image over substance. Social media platforms encourage us to curate ourselves — to perform rather than to be. The dopamine hit of likes and comments replaces the slower, more demanding satisfaction that comes from genuine connection, effort, and contribution. When this becomes habitual, self-focus hardens into self-absorption.
Narcissism isn’t simply vanity; it’s a displacement of identity. The “mirror self” becomes more important than the real one. Instead of asking Who am I becoming? we ask How do I look? The danger is not just individual emptiness but cultural shallowness — a generation growing up fluent in filters but uncertain of values.
The antidote, as you suggest, is inner work: curiosity, compassion, and courage. We need to help young people build an inner compass, not just an outer brand. Character — that unfashionable word — remains the truest reflection of beauty.
Thanks for this thoughtful response Chris. Very true.