I still have my five-year diary, given to me by my sister in 1964 and written consistently until 1969. This covers the years when I was 14-19 and is full of anxiety and angst. “I feel so miz” (cringe-worthy 1960s terminology!), “I hate myself”, “I feel useless”, “desperate over exams” (A levels in 1967), “Oh misery”, “I want to kill myself”, “I want my plane to crash” (end of first love in Florence, 1968). There were entries about the existential threats of nuclear war, Chairman Mao and other random things that were worrying me. If anyone had read this at the time they might have really worried about my mental health. But then in the 1960s people didn’t think that way. Teenage angst was regarded as a fairly natural transition from child to adult.
I am not in any way belittling the anxiety felt by teenagers today, as reported in The Times’ survey last week. It will be very real in its own way, but my worry is that by the media, social media particularly, and adults over-emphasizing their concern for it, the anxiety could just be further ramped up.
Did I feel anxious and depressed as a teenager? Yes. Was I actually suicidal? No. That’s not to say that we don’t need to take these words seriously, especially if a child seems to have given up hope. But I just worry that if someone had spoken to me as if what I was experiencing was something abnormal, I might have become even more worried about myself. So, I think we need to be careful how we approach these surveys and the reports emanating from them. We were never asked these questions in our teenage years. Would our answers have been so different? I am not sure they would.
What is important is that we help teenagers normalise some of their emotions so that they don’t get fearful about feeling anxious, or guilty about feeling angry, or inadequate for feeling worried about exams, or paralysed by feeling shy, etc. We also need to help them understand how to balance these thoughts and emotions and develop resilience. After all, we hear of the mental health facilities being overwhelmed at the moment but that is not helpful if they are treating what used to be called the “worried well” but are missing out, through lack of time, those who are truly suicidal or mentally ill.
Reading through my diaries the key concern is that nothing is clear yet. Everything is in flux – I don’t know if I will pass my exams, I don’t know if my friends are trustworthy, I don’t know if I will get a boyfriend, I don’t know if I will find a job, I don’t know if I will find a home, I don’t know if I will get married, I don’t know if I will have a baby, I don’t know if I will be happy … que sera sera, as my mother used to sing. It is all ahead of me. And this is true of all teenagers. It was the time when teenage boys would have teddy bears on their beds but posters of Pamela Anderson on the wall above them. You really don’t yet know who you are, who you want to be, which friends are good for you, which direction to go in. How confusing is that. Yet it is the normal journey we all have to tread.
It would have been helpful for me if someone had helped me think about my thinking. Where was my brain taking me? Was it going into Hollywood Disaster Movie mode where the nuclear bomb was dropped and we were all exterminated, including my precious parents? (In today’s world that might be climate change.) In which case I could have been taught to consider a more rational way of looking at that situation. The model What can you Alter, Avoid, or what do you need to Accept could have been helpful
For example What could I Alter? To alter the situation or influence the outcome I could have taken action to go on CND marches and feel I was making a difference. (I opted for a CND badge as I was too young to go on marches). I could also Alter the way I thought about it, letting go of my catastrophising thoughts and living in the moment.
What could I Avoid? I could avoid reading articles or watching movies that highlighted the existential risks of nuclear war. I should never have seen the film The War Game as it haunts me still! I could live in the moment instead and enjoy life, day by day, minute by minute for if we were to die, I would have wasted my life worrying!
What did I need to Accept? That effectively I couldn’t change things and that nuclear bombs were there and, who knew at the time, they were to act as a deterrent for several decades.
Living in the Moment. Another problem in my diaries was when I went into the “What if…” mode – “what if I don’t pass my exams?” “What if that boy doesn’t want to dance with me?” “What if those two girls are saying nasty things about me?” What to do about this? As above, recognise that none of this had yet happened and it only drained my batteries to worry about something that had not yet transpired and might never do so.
Changing Thoughts. My general negative thinking patterns about the future were also unhelpful and yet, I suspect, pretty normal. Asking myself questions such as “Is my thought logical?”, “How is this thought making me feel?”, “Would everyone react in this way and if not what other way could you think?”, “Is my thought helping me manage the situation and if not what thought might help me manage it better?” could have helped me to realise that I couldn’t necessarily change the situation itself but I could have changed my response to it and how I chose to react.
Diverse Lives. What else would have helped? To remember that there are so many different ways to live life, to be happy and to make the best of a difficult situation. So if I failed my exams, I could retake or think again about what I wanted to achieve. If I didn’t get the job of my choice, I could ask myself where else might I be happy and fulfilled? If I didn’t get married, I could remember that there are many people living many different sorts of lives all over the world and these social norms don’t happen to everyone and there are many ways of being happy.
Parallel Lives. One of the exercises I used when I was coaching was to suggest a client consider a few parallel lives they might live and still be happy. It is interesting, as we could all be so many different things in life and yet often we are asked to think of just one thing we want to be, which can be both frightening (if we don’t achieve it) and also limiting of our potential options. For example, I started my life as a secretary in publishing and never imagined at the time that I would retrain and have the skills to run a training and coaching business. We can be many more things in life than we can visualise while we are still in our teens.
Anyway, the survey, and re-reading my diary, made me concerned that all this media coverage of teenage anxiety and mental health might only ramp up their worries. Surely the most important thing we can all do is help young people understand their thinking and train their thoughts in ways that help them to make the most of their lives by considering their options and leaving the unhelpful worries behind.
Some reading to help further:
One Response
A sad reflection on the state of many young people today. With the decline in family values and the lack of discipline in society and respect for others, they appear to be lost as there are no barriers to kick against. Just themselves. The very lucky ones will get the love, care and guidance they need until they can become their own persons.