At Mrs May’s Brexit Nursery

At Mrs May’s Brexit Nursery

… with apologies to Joyce Grenfell    

Children … now come along

I’m the head teacher and so let’s hold hands and pull together.  No, Boris, not that way … this way!

Michael, come along now.  Pull your socks up and hold hands.

David, don’t argue dear … you know I know best.  Come along, all you have to do is put a tick in this little box here – the one that says “Yea”.  No, not the one that says “Nay”. 

Now children stop mimicking a pony’s neigh, that isn’t funny. 

Yes, Amber, Yea does mean yes. 

“Yes to what?” … Jacob, you don’t need to ask what you are ticking.  Just do what I say.  I know best.  It’s for Queen and country.  No-one else seems to have a clue.

Now hold your heads up and play your parts.  No, Dominic, you can’t be a superjet so just sit down and keep quiet.

Boris, do stop fiddling.  Don’t do that.

Oh dear, Dominic, is that a penknife in your hand?  It looks rather sharp!  Why were you coming up behind my back just then?  You had better give that to me.  I shall confiscate it and give it to your Mummy.  You go and stand in the corner straight away, you naughty boy.

Ah, there’s a text from Michel, the Head Teacher.  What does he want?  I hope I am not in trouble.  I have tried to be a good girl and do the right thing.  Oh, he’s just saying that Jean-Claude has a hangover and that Monsieur Macron is having some difficulties (thank God for that. At least I’m not the only one!).  No need to worry, children.  I can handle this.  You don’t have to concern your little heads over it at all.  No, I don’t want your ideas, thankyou.

Boris, do stop shouting and pushing everyone around in that noisy way.

Michael, what are you doing now, saying things in that silly voice?  We’re not going to wait for a silly little boy who says silly things like a baby, are we?

Now how can we sing a nice song together when you are all running and pulling in different directions?  I am trying to keep you all happy.  Come here at once!

Andrea, you want to dance like a rose do you?  No, David, you can’t be a carrot; a carrot isn’t a flower is it, you silly boy.

Boris, don’t do that.  Behave.

Liam, don’t listen to those silly Irish children.  They just don’t know what’s good for them.

David, stop fighting.  You can’t be sure to win more sweets than I have got for you from the school kitchen.  You should say thankyou, Miss, and be grateful.

No, Boris, you can’t be leader of your team.  I am the head teacher here so I tell you what to do.

Are you asking whether I have my fingers crossed, Amber?  Yes I do.  Is that because I am making a wish or because I am telling fibs?  I’m not going to tell you!

Is that a whip in your hand, Boris?  You don’t scare me, you silly unruly boy!

Now, listen carefully children, let’s get some discipline here.  Put your pens in your hand, there’s good boys and girls.  Pick up the paper the kind gentleman has given you and tick the box that says “yea” for yes to my deal. 

What ARE you doing?!  Now look what’s happened.  You’ve ruined everything.  You bad children. 

Now what?….

 

I wrote the above as part of a creative writing class.  At my French class, in the same week, a fellow student quoted the Eagles’ Hotel California song regarding the EU negotiations… we didn’t realize that “we could check out but we could never leave …”

What a mess.  What a shambles for the country.  How can anyone plan a business strategy with this going on?  The trouble is that politicians rarely run a business so don’t seem to understand the importance of vision, planning and logistics.  They just think and argue and rarely have to ‘do’ in the same way that someone running a business has to act.

We have ended up with too many politicians who just go straight from university to the House of Commons.  Few even run a corner shop or do work experience, it seems.

And now what, indeed?  Whatever happens next – a second referendum, a change of government, a new Tory leader – will guarantee more uncertainty and no certainty whatsoever that there will be a ‘Remain’ vote in a second referendum nor any guarantee that whoever took over would be able to do a better deal, though inevitably we all hope they would.  But sitting next to a gentleman who had been a diplomat and had done many negotiations with Brussels in the past, he told me that he didn’t think that the deal Mrs May was presenting was unrealistic.

Do any of us know what is best for this country?  The politicians certainly don’t seem to and appear to be focusing on party politics and power games more than what is good for all of us.  So who would we vote for anyway?  I can’t see a single inspiring person I would put my bet on.  We seem to be down a rabbit hole with no way out.  Help!

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  • Penny on Dec 18, 2018 Reply

    You made me smile – the Joyce Grenfell tone is perfect! Ah but what a mess and sad that we are landed by our bickering politicians in such a mess and now May is wasting valuable time by postponing the all important vote without which no other ways through this impasse will arise!

    • Helen Whitten on Dec 18, 2018 Reply

      Yes I agree. The trouble is there is no political party that knows what they want or is united…there is no unified vision. Just a dreadful muddle! Happy Crimble…x

  • Ashley Shah on Dec 11, 2018 Reply

    Very amusing Helen and I did chuckle. It would be more funny if it wasn’t so close to the truth. Like many, the loss of faith and confidence in our politicians and so called leaders leaves me bewildered who should we vote for. A laughing stock to the rest of the world but at least we don’t have a clown like trump. That too would be funny if he were not so knee jerk dangerous.

    • Helen Whitten on Dec 11, 2018 Reply

      Thanks Ashley. Yes I think people are lost as to who can get us out of this mess!

  • Jenny McRobert on Dec 11, 2018 Reply

    Great post! Made me laugh in the midst of all thus misery!

  • Sima on Dec 11, 2018 Reply

    Good one Helen!! I had a laugh even though I feel like crying looking at the state of affairs…
    It seems to be a strange moment in the history of world politics just now…madness rules.