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May 02

2017

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Helen Whitten

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Well, the gloves are off and we’re in the Brexit ring with no referee.  I am heartened to hear more calls now for an objective non-European mediator in these talks.   Meanwhile I have been pondering on the themes of disillusion and delusion.  I suspect there is disillusionment on all sides right now as we read of what is described as an “inauspicious beginning” to the Brexit talks.  At the same time we have probably all, both Brexiteers and Remainers alike, been deluded in some ways during the Referendum campaign:  Remainers taking the outcome for granted by only focusing on the negatives of Project Fear rather than articulating the benefits of remaining a member of the EU; Brexiteers potentially being deluded that the process would not be as disruptive as it is likely to be.

This morning I read a passage from Slavoj Zizik’s Living in the End Times (2010).  Zizik talks of how liberal democracies have, in the name of tolerance, been persistently blind to the truth that lies before their eyes.  He suggests that the more such a group has invested in the current order the more willing they are to uphold the lies.  It is only the dispossessed who can tell things exactly as they are, since they have nothing to lose.

This made me consider how leaders in the UK, Europe and US have been deluding themselves over many decades as to the sentiments existing within the populations they were governing.   Throughout these areas those who voiced a concern about the way their country was being run were patronisingly dismissed as ignorant or unenlightened.  But, as we are seeing with the events in the UK, US,  and much of Europe, when those in power high-handedly ignore legitimate concerns, the voices rise up ever more fiercely, as we are seeing in the French election.

Right now it is Theresa May who is in the negotiating ring.  She is bearing the brunt of this populist movement and its outcome in our country and I don’t envy her one bit.  Like her or not, support her or not, she didn’t vote for Brexit but stepped forward and is tasked with the responsibility of endeavouring to make the best deal she can for the UK.   Whatever our political colours – and I am not a party-political-animal – it is in all our interests that these talks are successful for us and for our allies.  It isn’t a time for sniping, it is a time when we need our leaders to be wise and act in the best interests of the world and those they govern.

Of course May and her team have made mistakes as they enter talks.  It is easy for Corbyn (who is presenting himself as the hero of Remainers despite being near invisible during the Referendum campaign) and Farron, on the sidelines, to point fingers and say what they would do differently.  But I am not convinced that they would be any more effective negotiators themselves.  And the leaders of all the parties, together with the leaders of the EU, have played their part in getting us to this point by deluding themselves that those they governed were more content than they were with the status quo.  It would be good to see some humility being expressed with how wrongly they read this but I am not hearing it.

Juncker may say that May is deluded but quite frankly, as Emmanuel Macron is pointing out, those in Brussels have been deluding themselves for years in refusing to see the need for reform.  In conversations on the subject, I have not heard any great enthusiasm for returning to an unreformed EU, even from those who voted Remain.  It isn’t just the UK that has been disillusioned – there are plenty in France, Hungary, Poland and other EU countries who also see the need for reform, as Macron is now demanding, should he be elected President of France on 7 May.  But, having failed to influence change in the years leading up to 2016, it was the UK who verbalised and acted on the disillusionment that many others were also feeling.

I for one am disillusioned that the leaders who brought their countries together in this alliance did not have the foresight to create a formal exit strategy that defined a just process of withdrawal.  In business any contract bringing companies together in collaboration, mergers and partnerships includes a structured process of exit for those involved, just as the courts provide a fair strategy for exit from a marriage.  Why has no one put this in place over these many years, I wonder?  It seems incredibly irresponsible as any country wanting to exit (and while it happens to be the UK, it could have been any one of the countries) is basically held to ransom by the power and might of the union of so-called partners they are leaving behind.  Would Juncker’s barbed remarks be so easily tolerated if he were describing the exit of a poorer country such as Bulgaria?  How might Brussels respond should Frexit occur?  Would they accept more responsibility for having created the situation, or would they continue to treat disillusioned countries as if they are the naughty child at the back of the class?

We shall surely seek a trade deal with the EU but I find the threats about how long this could take quite bewildering.  Who benefits from delay other than the well-paid bureaucrats and lawyers tasked with these talks?  Brussels almost boast of  the Trade Treaty with Canada having taken twenty years, but surely this actually demonstrates an abject failure if a trade deal with a country like Canada takes this length of time to conclude?  I accept that it is complex – but twenty years?  This certainly hasn’t been a benefit for the tax payers of the countries involved who are paying the legal bills.

I have no great confidence in any of the negotiators involved in the Brexit talks, whether from the UK or the EU but some form of an alliance between our countries is of great value to us all – for trade, security, research, science, defence and friendship.  The current posturing we are witnessing on both sides is certainly disillusioning and I hope that the tone will change to one of enlightened collaboration as talks progress.

My fear is that we are on the brink of a change that will benefit few but that those on all sides are too stuck and stubborn to flex sufficiently to resolve these complicated problems.   Despite the unity shown between the remaining 27 countries at the Brexit meeting to agree principles on Saturday, Brussels nonetheless still faces the prospect of the challenge of disillusion from France and the Eastern European bloc.  If they don’t take a good honest look at themselves and respond, we could still witness the break-up of the EU and they would not be able to lay the blame for this at the feet of the UK alone.  Brussels would have to take responsibility for their own tardy reaction and intransigence.  I hope that doesn’t happen.  I hope that wisdom will prevail to make the changes necessary to  maintain peace and cooperation in Europe.

There’s plenty to criticise about Mrs May’s approach but I wouldn’t wish to be her, standing as she does, totally outnumbered in the ring.  It will no doubt be the steepest learning curve of her life and I hope that she listens to many perspectives and keeps an open mind to the possibilities and opportunities that profit all as the weeks go by.   This brings to mind this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out where the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena whose face is marred, with dust, and sweat and blood…who, at best he knows the triumph of high achievement; who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”   [Excerpt from the speech “Citizenship In A Republic” delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910]

And of course I should mention, for the politically-correct requirements of our era, that although Roosevelt uses the word ‘man’ I see this quote as encompassing all of humankind …

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Apr 19

2017

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Helen Whitten

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I have been thinking about my grandmother recently.  She was widowed young and this makes me recognise how fortunate we are, as older women today.  We can travel and enjoy all of life in a way that she could not.  There were far stricter social norms for a single woman, whether widowed or divorced, in earlier times.  Even now friends describe how attitudes towards them change when they become widows, how men, in particular, offer unsolicited advice as if they are automatically incapable on their own and need protecting.   Even Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, described recently how she lost confidence when her husband died suddenly and she found herself alone.  Neither career success nor wealth can protect us from the human experiences and interactions of everyday life.

Last week I went to an inspiring talk by Leah Thorn of www.loveolderwomenrock.wordpress.com at the Loose Muse women’s writers’ group in Covent Garden.  As always it was organised brilliantly by the inimitable Agnes Meadows who is certainly an older woman who rocks!  Leah’s poems were poignant, uplifting, funny and often subversive.  They were accompanied by her fantastic collection of clothes, shoes and jewellery embossed and embellished by her poetry and integrating the creativity of several women involved in the Older Women Rock pop-up shops and exhibitions she is currently organising.

Inevitably it got me thinking about what it means to be an older woman.  My mother, at the age of 82, used to describe to me how she felt 18 inside – until she looked in the mirror, or felt a twinge in a knee or hip, when reality would return.  This will be a common experience for both men and women of a certain age, I suspect.

And yet much as we feel the same person as we were when we were 18, the truth is that it is not just our skin tone that has altered.  Inside, on both conscious and unconscious levels, the building blocks of who we are have shifted position, changed shape,  grown and maybe deepened.  Whilst we may, as women, endeavour to smooth out all those wrinkles, the fact is that these wrinkles have painted the history of our inner experience on our faces.  The laughter or worry lines, the sadness, anxiety or mischief in our eyes, the happiness, amusement or depression that plays around our mouths.  Why do we feel it so necessary to wipe these out in order to please a society too strongly focused on appearance and so-called beauty?  I could name some very attractive older women who have done nothing to hide their life story from their faces and are all the more beautiful as a result.  In fact my old schoolfriend, the actor Dame Harriet Walter, produced a book of photographs on the subject of older women, entitled Facing It.  It is inspiring.

We do, of course, leave some things behind as we age.  I often catch myself looking at clothes that I would once have worn but have to accept would now neither fit nor suit me at the age of 66.  Equally, though, I do remember thinking, when I was about 33, that I was “too old” to wear jeans, which was obviously ridiculous as here I am still wearing them.  We can certainly pick up some weird ideas about the shoulds and should nots of getting old.  I thoroughly enjoyed having my flat in Nice, as the French ladies on the Côte d’Azure refused to get old and still strutted their stuff with panache on the beaches of the Promenade des Anglais.

So as I declutter my wardrobe in preparation for moving house,  I do feel nostalgic when I take some chic little number to the charity shop.  And sigh a little as I remember those wonderful clothes we used to wear all those years ago from Biba and Bus Stop.  I miss the covered buttons and long cuffs, the velvet, the puff sleeves, epaulettes, textures and colours of the 60s. And particularly, most particularly, my pale blue platform suede boots.

boots

The attitude of society to older women can be rather depressing.  We have to stop ourselves believing the rhetoric as otherwise we can lose confidence, influence and status as we age.  We see fewer older women presenters on TV. Women talk of being invisible.  But, as at any age, it is what you are feeling inside that makes the difference.  Thinking of ourselves as invisible can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

And then there’s money.  There was a moment around 1994 when I woke up to the fact that I needed to take more responsibility for making and saving money for my old age.  My co-author on Your Mind at Work, Richard Israel, recommended that I read a book called Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach.  It opened my eyes.  There were case studies of women who had been ruined by making an assumption that their husband was managing their finances but then discovered they were up to the hilt in debt.  It was full of good advice about saving money.  We women can rock and roll and enjoy ourselves on relatively little cash – but hey, it is more fun if we have a little in the bank to make the choices that impact our lives.  And when one makes it oneself it feels even better!

The years have hopefully taught us something.  The idea of the wise woman used to be widely acknowledged and perhaps we need to reclaim some of that role.  Others don’t have to act on what we say if they don’t want to but sharing an observation we believe in can be helpful – even if it is politically incorrect.  But there is humility in wisdom, too, so it’s not about imagining we know it all.  The young generally know what is best in the context of their own lives and it’s their time to make some of the innovations and mistakes we inevitably made too.

I may have lost some of the fun choices I had when I was younger – the mini skirts, slim waist and flexible joints – but I feel that I have nonetheless gained some serenity.  At all stages of life, it is how one feels on the inside that counts.  Where we focus our minds influences our moods.  Thinking of ourselves as vibrant will give us a vibrant energy from the inside-out.  When I want to feel young and upbeat I listen to music from the 60s.  We have just been to see the musical Motown which reminded me of all those parties I went to in my teenage years.  When I get anxious I can choose to relax and enjoy the innocence of a grandchild, the random smile of a stranger, the joy of watching one’s children grow up with their own families.  And when I need peace I can focus my mind on the spring birdsong in the garden, or play some sacred music.  I’m also fortunate enough to have some great role models as friends.

And yes we did rock in the 60s and still do.  We were, in many ways, a lucky generation but we had our challenges and are certainly not the only generation to rock.  I hope we can blaze a trail for older women and encourage the television stations to continue to employ older women presenters.  With Theresa May and Angela Merkel out there demonstrating that women over 60 can represent their country on the world stage, there is some hope, whatever one’s politics.

Some poems on the subject on www.babyboomerpoetry.com

 

 

 

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Apr 05

2017

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Helen Whitten

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It’s been a dismal week for reading about violence perpetrated by men.  We have read of IS using children as human shields, Mustafa Bashir hitting his wife with a cricket bat and making her swallow bleach (and, by the way, then only being given a suspended sentence by Judge Richard Mansell), the stabbing of Tracey Wilkinson and her son Pierce by a 20-year old homeless man, the experiences of the girls abused in Rotherham, paedophile rings, a husband who killed his children in an act of revenge.

These are not unusual stories.  Men have been the dominant power throughout history and much of that has been spent in warfare.  And of course communities benefit from the physical strength of men to protect them and ward off marauding enemies.  But a UN report estimates that, worldwide,  one third of women have experienced intimate partner violence or sexual violence by a non-partner.  In Asia widows can be thrown out of the home, daughters subjected to honour killings or even a punishment of gang rape when they step out of line.  Religious leaders have applied dogma to ritualistic abuse, control and cruelty.   Young boys suffer from the hands of older men too and are only just beginning to talk of their experiences.

I would like to learn more about the drives that lead to these behaviours.  I feel there is a need for greater research and debate on what triggers violence.  Is it the biology of testosterone, cultural beliefs,  or environmental context?  If the psychologists have this information then it is not sufficiently available to the general public to be of practical help to those who raise and educate boys.   Apart from chapters in Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph there seems to be little practical advice on how to enable boys to manage their warrior tendencies.  The most I ever learnt about the subject, when raising my sons, was through reading The Secret Diaries of Adrian Mole!

Of course the majority of men do not behave in this way and women can be cruel and aggressive too but, even today, men have more power worldwide to disrupt individuals and societies.  From what I have read, social upbringing appears to have more influence on behaviour than testosterone itself.  Although the testosterone of violent criminals measured higher than average in research, when testosterone is given to normal sociable men they do not necessarily become more violent.  But, whilst men are also great writers, thinkers, innovators, doctors, fathers and leaders,  it is the tendency towards aggression that I believe we need to understand more fully.

Both boys and girls experience huge waves of hormonal change as they grow up.  Girls have to learn to manage both their bodies and moods from puberty, through becoming familiar with the impact of their monthly cycles.  They are given copious advice about how to manage this, as well as contraception, plus admonishments about not getting drunk, not behaving provocatively, or walking down the street in short skirts.  When a rape occurs the censorious comment is aimed at the girl.  I hear little advice given to boys on how to take responsibility for their own drives and biology.

An important book, South of Forgiveness, was released recently through the collaboration of Tom Stranger and the girl he raped, Thord Elva.  It was telling that when interviewed on Woman’s Hour by Jenni Murray, she realized with surprise that having interviewed many women who had suffered abuse or rape, this was the first time in the fifty years of the programme that she had interviewed a man who confessed to being a rapist.  What he and Thord Elva shared was insightful and went some way to providing information on what led him to delude himself that he had not raped her but, in his mind, had simply had sex with her.  It was only many years later when she wrote to him and shared the devastating impact the event had had on her that he accepted that he had, indeed, raped her.

Since then, the pair have been interviewed in the media but have been subjected to protests that Stranger should not be given air-time to express his story.  At an event at the Royal Festival Hall a crowd took over and shouted “rapist” and refused to listen to his personal account of the rape.  The problem with this no-platforming of controversial figures is that we learn nothing.  And it seems to me absolutely vital that we do listen and that we do learn more about what makes men commit acts of violence.

A key factor mentioned by Tom Stranger was a sense of “entitlement”.  If this is the case, we need to be educating boys and young men that they have no entitlement over another person’s body and that they do not have consent unless it has been explicitly given.  Unfortunately in much of the world, cultural tradition gives boys priority status, sometimes backed up by law.   This can translate into a distorted view of their rights, and give girls a diminished view of their own.  What Stranger has done is to encourage men to reflect on their own behaviour.   Research so far appears to have studied mainly the experience of the victims rather than the perpetrators.   Do we know what those men who raped women during the Bosnian war now feel as they walk around their villages?

Helping young boys understand the influence of testosterone is, in my view, an essential part of their education.  They need to recognise that when their testosterone is raised – which can be by listening to loud music, drinking alcohol, watching porn or witnessing their favourite football team win – their brain loses the capacity to restrain risk behaviours.   They are more likely to get into fights, to have a car accident, to bully or dominate others, or even to rape or kill.   But a moment’s loss of self-control can devastate their own lives as well as the lives of others

Adolescents could surely benefit from learning the skills of impulse-control such as how to notice warning signs of anger or lust, to stop, self-calm, and manage their biology by applying techniques such as imagery, slow breathing, and rational thought, avoiding alcohol, going for a run.  They can identify the underlying thoughts that lead to violence, such as “he/she must give me respect or else I’ll punish them!” and developing, instead, constructive perspectives, such as “I have no right to harm another person just because they aren’t doing what I want them to do,”  perhaps accompanied by an image of a prison cell as a deterrent.

Aggressive behaviour is a natural element ruling animal life, where instincts are driven by survival and the preservation of the species.  Sir Michael Marmot in The Status Syndrome suggests that man is shaped by evolution to seek status, affirming himself by trying to be distinguished and gain influence and power in career, sports and material assets.  Generally this is through non-violent actions.  But in fact it can be low status men who may resort to aggressive high-risk strategies to avoid “genetic nothingness”.   We frequently hear that violence has been committed by a “loner” perhaps seeking notoriety or even a distorted view of closeness with another.

Helping boys develop constructive social networks is essential.  It is the messages they receive from parents, society, teachers, preachers and particularly their peer group, that can give them self-esteem without the need to dominate others through violence.

We are more than our biology.  Helping the young to understand how to notice and understand biological triggers, manage them and learn ways to express them more appropriately, particularly in a digital world, would surely be a benefit to societies worldwide. This may make uncomfortable reading but in order to address the issues, we need to be able to have mature discussions on the subject.  Silencing debate takes us nowhere.

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Mar 28

2017

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Helen Whitten

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Today represents another historic shift in our relationship with Europe, as Theresa May triggers Article 50.  This puts me in a reflective mood.   My childhood echoed to the reverberations of De Gaulle’s “Non” as we applied to enter the Common Market.   We finally joined in the 1970s, an era of strikes, the 3-day week, and petrol shortages.  Later, in the 1990s, I was at King’s College studying history when the Channel Tunnel opened. The Tunnel  left us less of an island nation than we were.  This made us, as does any close relationship, both stronger and yet more vulnerable.   I remember being in the middle of an essay on the Hundred Years’ War at the time and wondering what the opening of the Channel would mean for the role and security of the UK who, as that island nation, had fended off attack and occupation for so many centuries.

Much has happened since we joined, both positive yet challenging.  Many Europeans have come to live and work  in our country and vice-versa.  Deep friendships and family ties have developed.  These need to be protected.

But I worry about the way the Brexit negotiations are being set up.  Theresa May has a daunting prospect ahead of her as representative of a single country in negotiation with 27 others.  Who is going to ensure that the negotiations are fairly led?  A few years ago I trained as a mediator and as such would recommend that the talks are carried out on neutral territory, with an objective facilitator, but I have seen no sign that this is what is intended.

What a pity that leaders on both sides have allowed communications to sink to insult and a sense of win-lose rather than win-win.   What we need  is statesmanship and leadership.   The UK is not alone in some disaffection with how things were being run.   A wise EU President would have brought the member states together long ago to explore what revisions were needed in order to adapt to the context of the 21st century.    Acting early would have enabled all states to come together in a more positive and inspired frame of mind.

Instead, the parties are gathering as if they are boxers in a boxing ring.  Each in their corner pumping themselves up for the fight.   Barnier, Juncker and Tusk rattle their sabres in one corner threatening punishment, isolation and bills.  May in her corner threatens to walk out if she doesn’t get a ‘good deal’ for Britain.   I don’t see any referee.

This is surely a thoroughly dysfunctional way to start negotiations that affect millions of people in all our countries. What hope do we have if there is not a fair and objective mediator who manages these talks and negotiations?

EU negotiator Guy Hoefstadt has, just recently, talked of the emotional impact of Article 50 and its ripple throughout the peoples of all 28 states.  There are strong emotions on all sides – anger, frustration, fear, uncertainty, sadness, grief, resentment, rejection as well as excitement, relief and a sense of opportunity.  Who will help the negotiators create a safe space to express these emotions?

In the process of mediation there is a recognition that emotions need to be safely expressed before facts can be heard.   If not articulated they will filter through in words and actions rather than being safely parked having been vented and acknowledged as legitimate responses to a complex situation of fracture, for which both parties bear responsibility.

Co-creation through mediation

It concerns me greatly that no neutral mediator has been identified to facilitate this divorce in such a way that is fair to both parties.   In a marital divorce there is a well-trodden path of the law to ensure that there is an equitable result for all, practically and financially, and that children are taken care of in the most compassionate and supportive way possible.  But who will be the neutral facilitator in the divorce coming up between the EU and the UK?

A mediator helps identify positive outcomes.  The parties are encouraged to re-connect with shared vision and values and given a practical process to follow in order to work out the steps to achieve that result.  This approach transforms boxing to aikido, knowing to finding out, defending to exploring, advocacy to facilitation, proving to creating, answers to questions, winning and losing to sharing.  It is a very different, solution-focused not adversarial, approach.

Issues are identified and prioritised. A mediator also intuits what is beneath a statement, observes where there are hidden agendas or when someone is not saying something they appear to feel,  drawing people towards honesty and collaboration.   Diversity of opinion is enabled and ideas encouraged during the brainstorming phase, where many options can be shared in a non-critical way as they seek lateral solutions to problems.    Options are only analysed and discarded after a reasonable period of open-minded discussion during which the individuals are encouraged to remain impartial.

In mediation there is space for each party to have independent time with the mediator in order to explain their perspectives, needs and wants before coming together.  All that is said in those private meetings is kept confidential.  The mediator brings the parties together only when they feel each party is ready.  A safe space is provided where emotions can be vented and where each person is listened to without being interrupted.  The process is flexible, without prejudice, with each party feeling in control of whether they agree to settle for a point or not.  But it is the mediator who enables the process, who builds rapport and trust, and keeps the focus of the procedure on mutually positive outcomes.  Without this the two parties too easily arrive at win-lose arguments that get them nowhere.

In the concluding phase both parties are assisted in agreeing a mutually beneficial settlement and making an emotional and practical commitment to honour the actions and behaviours required within that agreement.

I have not seen any mention of holding the talks in a neutral space, nor of an objective facilitator being appointed in the upcoming EU negotiations.    I hope such a procedure is put in place and that those concerned with leading them remember the words of the 6th century philosopher Lao Tzu below in order to reach outcomes that take the UK and Europe forward into this unknown future in as mutually beneficial way as possible.

“The wise leader knows how to facilitate the unfolding group process, because the leader is also a process… The leader knows how to have a profound influence without making things happen… facilitating what is happening is more potent than pushing for what you wish were happening.”  

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Feb 24

2017

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Helen Whitten

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2011-back

Hampshire Hunt Cottage

Have you ever counted how many houses you have lived in over your lifetime?  You might be surprised.  I have just calculated that I have lived in some thirty properties over my 66 years.  It seems excessive,  doesn’t it?  These include homes I grew up in, various flat-shares I did as a young girl and three boarding schools that became my home for a period, as well as the houses I have inhabited as an adult.  All in all I do seem to have moved a great many times.

The interesting thing is that I can walk, in my mind, through all those houses.  I suspect you can do the same.  Spatial memories,  even when one is older,  are more readily accessible than other memories, such as names or dates, I find.  The images of the home I lived in as a small child come in snatched snaps and it is harder to picture the logical route through the house but after 5 years old all becomes clearer.   And as I walk through the rooms of those homes I remember people, family, friends and pets, with whom I shared those times and places.  They have left an imprint on me just as I believe I have left an imprint on them.

The walls of a house seem to collect the energies of those who have passed through.  You can sense a happy home the minute you walk through the door.  It is invisible but tangible.  It is in the air, in the walls.  Enter a church, cathedral, mosque or temple and you are almost hit by the silence of the ages and a sense of the prayers that have been shared in those spaces.   Those who have visited prisons or concentration camps talk of experiencing a sinister chill as they entered.

A few years ago I visited the temple of Kom Ombo in Egypt, close to the banks of the Nile.  I knew nothing about it but gained a sense that the area had somehow been a place of healing in previous eras.  When I asked about it I was told that it was indeed a sanctuary and that local villagers even bring their children or relatives here now because they believe that the stone walls hold some healing powers.  The building itself seemed to communicate a message, without words.

And now I am on the move again, from our beautiful Hampshire home (see http://www.hellards.co.uk/full-details?profileID=100820004054) as we have decided to downsize.  It has made me aware of how each home is perfect for a specific period of time and yet when one is ready to leave there is a feeling that it is now time for another family to enjoy the space.  We only ever borrow a home, even if by law we own it for many years.  Ultimately it sits there in its own right, often for many centuries.  Others have lived there before and others will follow, through wartime or peace.  Each person who visits leaves a trace and if you leave it for a period the home loses a little something until you fully inhabit it again.

Our Hampshire house was originally made of two cottages, built in around 1835 and then extended to create a beautiful house.  We have enjoyed huge family parties and cosy quiet times together.  The garden is lovely, a mix between a typical English country garden and a few pretensions at a French chateau-style with shaped box and a lovely avenue of hornbeam.  These were not of our making.  We inherited them but have tended and loved them and added a vegetable garden with raised beds as David enjoys seeing the seeds come to fruition.

But we need to move to a smaller house for this next part of our lives and I woke the other morning with the Animals’ song in my head “We’ve got to get out of this place if it’s the last thing we ever do.  We’ve got to get out of this place.  Girl, there’s a better life for me and you”… and so we know deep inside that it is the time to let go and let someone else enjoy it all now.

But oh dear, the decluttering of many years!  How difficult to know which books to keep, which family heirlooms to pass on when most of our children prefer Ikea or retro, which CDs or vinyl.  Then there are the endless papers of years of work.  Do I keep all the articles I published, the original typescripts of the books I wrote or trust in the digital?  But I think if my mother hadn’t written down her memoir on paper I probably would never have found it in a computer filing system, so both of us feel tempted to hang on to more than our children will no doubt thank us for.  We will try to pick out just those things that will represent enough of our lifetime’s history but not too much.  And in moving from 3000 sq ft to around 1200 sq ft will make all this a rather daunting challenge.

So think of us, and the ghastly process that is involved in selling and buying houses in England, the stamp duty, the chains and the stress.   I will let you know how it goes and what I learn about decluttering and becoming the person who lets go her past in order to embrace the new where we now hope to live, in Kew.  Something tells me it could make us feel both lighter and younger once we have filled a few skips with what others will probably consider to be rubbish.   Indeed, in our efforts so far we have cleared clutter that we had intended to tidy many years ago and have made the rooms brighter and more spacious as a result.  It has made me realize that, had we done this before, we could have made the house even more beautiful and enjoyable to live in some time ago.

So on that note, my suggestion would be to declutter now, so that you can enjoy the best of your home today rather than being surrounded by things that you meant to clear ages ago.   I found the dusty piles just made me feel downhearted and guilty about procrastinating though I do wonder how well my good resolution to never to allow the piles to mount up again will go!  Those distraction activities can be just so appealing, can’t they…?

 

 

 

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Feb 13

2017

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Helen Whitten

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“Love is where it falls” is a phrase I first noticed when Simon Callow wrote a memoir, Love is Where it Falls, in which he shared how his agent, Peggy Ramsay, had fallen in love with him, despite the fact that she knew that he was gay and, aged under thirty at the time, also much younger than her seventy-odd years.  The friendship was, in his words, “a passionate friendship” but not in a way that could be proscribed by any convention.

I suspect most of you reading this will have experienced how love can, literally, “fall” into your life, often at unsuspecting moments.  It might be a look across a room, a chance touch as something is handed to you, a timbre of voice (Leonard Cohen’s Marianne said she fell in love with his voice first) and it may be thoroughly inconvenient and challenging to convention.  Having watched The Crown (Netflix) recently I suspect many of us have been reminded of Princess Margaret’s thwarted love of Group Captain Peter Townsend and today we read media comment about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle and remember his mother’s much-criticised relationship with Dodi Al Fayed.  Diana’s life ended tragically and yet I have lasting memories of her looking very happy in photographs of those last moments on his yacht.

On this Valentine’s Day my mind is drawn to those whose love is judged, criticised or forbidden due to prejudice, cultural or social norms, or religious edicts.  It is drawn to those who have to marry someone they have never met and may never love.  It is also drawn to those who love one another but are separated by war, poverty, terrorism or family ‘honour’.

And so for those of us who experience love, let’s honour it and know that we cannot make it happen.   It happens to us.  No dating app algorhythm will ensure that we experience love if that mysterious chemistry is not there.   So if it has honoured us with its presence, today is a day to be thankful, even when we know that loving another human being can push us to the limits, and can lead us to challenge ourselves as well as them!  It also provides us with the potential to discover depths within us we never knew we had before.  So I hope you find the time to celebrate what love you have in your life on this Valentine’s Day and if you aren’t in relationship remember that you are always in relationship with yourself and those around you and that’s just a different sort of love.

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